Nightmares again

I woke up at 4am screaming. Lucky hotel walls tend to be thick. I haven’t had such a lucid nightmare in about a month (which is a long time, as these things go), so it did shake me. I called down to reception and asked them to restock the minibar – with chocolate, not with alcohol. I was thinking this was the opportune time to try and break my chocolate/nightmare habit, but I just didn’t have the energy. The nightmare took it all from me.

My mum was driving me home. I was begging her not to, as I knew Robert was angry and that he was going to get violent. I was crying in the car, and she was just ignoring me (she did a lot of that in real life too). As we got out of the car I managed to escape to my cousin Andie’s house. This would be the place that I would try to escape to in real life, also. Although it always ended with my mother marching me back to the car and screaming abuse at me all the way home. Andie is younger than me, so I knew she couldn’t do anything to help me, but I was clutching at straws.

A feature of these nightmares is that I am stuck living with my parents. So when I got to Andie’s house I asked if I could live with her. She said No. I asked if I could stay two weeks, and she said yes, so at least I had a reprieve. Then a few dream like things happened, (which often repeat themselves in my dreams) – getting lost in the house that has so many bedrooms, ending up at the beach (water features a lot in my dreams), and then the two weeks were up and I had to go home.

My parents, in real life, never let me have a key to the house. Even though I was always the first to get home, I would often pick up my little sister from after school care and I’d use her key (which had pretty elephants on it). On the days that I didn’t pick her up I had to wade through the garden and under the house to find the hidden spare key. In this nightmare the spare key wasn’t there. I was desperate to get into the house before my stepfather got home so I could hide in my room. Hoping maybe that he would leave me alone. But I had to wait for him to come home to let me into the house.

In the dream I don’t know what happened next. I know I just woke screaming.

The witches

They stood surrounding the bed screaming; their anger turning their faces a witch’s red. She cowered against the wall, sobbing. If she could have said anything, she would have said Sorry, and she certainly learnt to say that a lot afterwards. Though it took her a long time to realise she had nothing to be sorry for.

One of them; the head witch, slapped her. “You murderer!” the witch screeched. The girl sobbed even harder.

The facts were thus; the girl’s mother had been pregnant. Due to iron deficiencies she miscarried; it was certainly not the first time. Unfortunately it was during the time that the girl had first spoken of the sexual abuse by her step-father.

For fifteen years that girl believed she was a murderer.

That girl was me.

I feel miserable

I don’t know why I feel miserable, but I do. I think maybe I’m lonely. I miss my cousin, Andie. I just got back from a week with my Dad and his family and am now alone (with a cat and a dog). Everyone at work is on leave so I’ve been in a cubicle all by myself for three days now. And will be again tomorrow.

I’m bored. I have work to do but I just can’t seem to do it. I want to go home, but I know when I do I won’t clean the house or do the dishes (which desperately need doing). Instead I’ll sit in bed and watch whatever is on TV. And I’ll still be miserable.

I’ve gone and talked to people – still miserable. I’ve eaten chocolate – still miserable. I’ve gone for a walk – still miserable. I’ve played with my pets – still miserable. I’ve talked to my Dad – still miserable. Read a book – still miserable. Wrote a story – still miserable. Writing a blog post – I am still miserable.

I was about to type “I don’t know what’s wrong with me”, but of course I do. I miss my family (both of them, my Dad’s family and The Family). I feel alone. Sometimes I think it’s the most miserable feeling in the world – to feel alone.

When I feel like this I can’t seem to do anything. I can’t work. I can’t read. I can’t watch TV. I can’t talk to friends. I can’t walk. I can’t write. I can’t work. And I really should be working. I’ve been sitting here for two days not working because I feel so miserable. And I have so much work to do.

I don’t understand how one week I can be so busy and full of life, writing a novel, getting photos in an exhibition, writing a non-fiction book, going to book clubs, knitting clubs, parties, and then I can fall into this great big hole sign-posted MISERABLE, and hardly get out of bed.

I cannot think of one thing that I actually wanted to do – even if money/time/physics was no object.

Yes I can. I want to climb out of this hole and be how I was a week ago.

Tarot

I was wandering the campus and saw a Tarot dealer waiting for customers. So for a bit of fun I sat down and the first thing she asked me was about my mother (whom I have no contact with seeing as she is still married to the man who sexually, physically and emotionally abused me. Oh and she doesn’t believe me, even though she witnessed some of the abuse. No I’m not angry AT ALL).

Anyway, apparently I am working too hard (true). Apparently I am financially secure (true). Apparently my grandmother is about to pass away (will let you know), and I’ll find a man in the next three months (will also let you know). Then she talked about auras and how I had an angel over my shoulder that was protecting me. And then I drew six cards and two of them were about divine protection.

So I’m willing to take all this with a grain of salt, but what amazed me is how happy I was to know that I was protected. I am obviously still very scared of my step-father and mother and my mother’s family. I still dream about them every night. I feel like I can’t escape them. But at least (according to the tarot) I am protected from them.

Damned meds

Well my excessive sleepiness (sleeping 10pm to 7am and then falling asleep from 9am to 2pm, or if I manage to stay awake in the morning, sleeping from midday to 6pm) may be due to the new meds that I started.

Unfortunately, starting the new meds coincided with my flashback so I wasn’t too sure what to attribute the sleepiness to. But I’m pretty sure it is the meds and not some psychosomatic disorder where I can’t face the world so decide to sleep through it.

Ironically it was my psychiatrist who thought it was psychosomatic, and my psychologist who thought it was due to the meds. Mind you my psychologist saw me at my very worst – I actually fell asleep while talking to her. I think even the word narcolepsy was used!

Anyway I have reduced the number of meds that I take in the morning and thus far I have only slept about half an hour (and that was when my brother was driving). Seeing as I woke up at 4.30am I’m putting that down to a normal course of events.

Too tired to write

I know I’ve been quiet for awhile now. I’ve been having weird nightmares (last night I was married to Madonna!) and having trouble sleeping at night and trouble staying awake during the day.
I’m stressed – I have a lot of work on, and I don’t think it bodes well for my mental health.
I’m seeing my psychologist tomorrow and my psychiatrist the day after to see what, if anything, can be done. I had a training session today and the trainer took me aside and told me to go home because I was “so obviously struggling”. I was eating lollies to try and keep awake and I actually fell asleep in the middle of eating a fantale and woke up choking! It was absolute bliss to come home and sleep for six hours. And it’s only four hours later and I’m exhausted again.
So off to bed for me.

PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Dreams

I’ve been having some strange dreams lately. Apparently they are signs of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) receding.

I am a victim of child sexual, emotional and physical abuse, perpertrated by my step-father over thirteen years. As a result of this I have PTSD and all the classic symptoms – nightmares, inability to sleep, high anxiety, depression, addiction, suicidality and lack of motivation. Certain events trigger my PTSD – I might be okay for awhile but then I see someone who looks like my step-father, or a holiday like Christmas comes around – and the symptoms re-occur. I have had nightmares every night from October to February – and they only stopped due to intervention from my PTSD psychiatrist, who put me on a high dose of Dexamethasone for three days (for articles see: http://cat.inist.fr/?aModele=afficheN&cpsidt=20308717, http://www.journals.elsevierhealth.com/periodicals/bps/article/PIIS0006322302013951/abstract and http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/abstract/161/8/1397).

Once the nightmares stopped my life started again. That is why I am able to even think about weight loss, let alone do something about it, let alone blog about it.

Anyway, back to my Post Traumatic Stress Dreams.

***

Dream 1

I walk into my apartment and a man I have never seen before is sitting on my couch. He tells me he is going to rape me. I tell him to “Get the f*** out of my apartment” and physically drag him out. I slam the door in his face.

Later I am meeting my boyfriend (in real life I am single). As I walk in I see the man there with him. I tell my boyfriend what happened. He doesn’t believe me. I break up with him.

Dream 2

I am living with my mother and step-father (my most common nightmare is that I am trapped living with them). I tell my mother what my step-father has been doing. She doesn’t believe me (in reality, she doesn’t believe me). I let her have it. I am screaming at her all the things he has done to me. She tells me that maybe then I should leave. I start packing.

***

What was great about the second dream – that made it a real breakthrough –  was because usually I am stuck living with my mother and step-father and can’t escape. This is the first time I dreamt that I was going to be able to escape.

I call these my Post Traumatic Stress Dreams because they are obviously related to my PTSD and they are traumatic. When I woke up this morning I felt the way I usually feel after a nightmare (scared, anxious, tense). Usually I eat until I calm down. This morning I took the dog for a walk and listened to some angry music. By the time I had got home, an hour later, I had recovered.