Tonight I went to a friend’s thirtieth. She used to be my best friend. She used to call me every night when I was down just to check that I was okay. She listened to my problems, and there were many.

I knew that for awhile our relationship had been one-sided. I knew that but I was in such a dark place that I was just coping on getting through. And anyway, I thought, it won’t always be like this. And isn’t that what friends are for?

Looking back it was obvious what was happening. I shouldn’t have been surprised at her outburst, at the horrible things she said to me, and that she wanted no more of our friendship.

And then she was gone.

Six months later she sent me a christmas card. A month or so later we went to the same movie and chatted outside. Then she invited me to her thirtieth. I was so sad to think of the friendship we had lost and confused as to whether I really wanted her as a friend.

During my last depressive event my doctor asked me if I had any close friends who I could perhaps talk to or maybe stay over. And I answered no, not really. Since that friendship ended I have been wary of relying on my friends too much, just incase one day they are not there.

Can’t be miserable if asleep

Well I learnt something yesterday: you can’t be miserable if you’re asleep.

I slept from 5am (I watched Ocean’s 11, 12 and 13) to 3pm and then again from 7pm to 10pm. Went to bed again at 2.30 and stayed awake for at most the first half hour of Gone in 60 seconds. (I’m trialling a new theory that depression can be addressed by adrenalin rushes such as from watching fast and furious type films). I started the Dexamethasone on Friday and haven’t had a nightmare since. SUCH a relief. I know they will start up again as soon as I stop, but three days without them is better than none.

I’m at work today and feeling okay. Able to work, so that’s a plus. There is even someone else in my cubicle today. I even managed to go out and buy pressies for my friends who looked after my pets at such short notice. Caring about others is always mutually exclusive with my depression, so I’m taking it as a good sign. Still craving chocolate though. LOTS of chocolate. And I’m having intrusive memories. I’ll be doing something utterly benign (like sticking labels on our books) and suddenly I’ll be at my grandmother’s garden and then back again. Weird. Annoying. Excruciating actually.

But, am looking up.

Damned meds

Well my excessive sleepiness (sleeping 10pm to 7am and then falling asleep from 9am to 2pm, or if I manage to stay awake in the morning, sleeping from midday to 6pm) may be due to the new meds that I started.

Unfortunately, starting the new meds coincided with my flashback so I wasn’t too sure what to attribute the sleepiness to. But I’m pretty sure it is the meds and not some psychosomatic disorder where I can’t face the world so decide to sleep through it.

Ironically it was my psychiatrist who thought it was psychosomatic, and my psychologist who thought it was due to the meds. Mind you my psychologist saw me at my very worst – I actually fell asleep while talking to her. I think even the word narcolepsy was used!

Anyway I have reduced the number of meds that I take in the morning and thus far I have only slept about half an hour (and that was when my brother was driving). Seeing as I woke up at 4.30am I’m putting that down to a normal course of events.

Too tired to write

I know I’ve been quiet for awhile now. I’ve been having weird nightmares (last night I was married to Madonna!) and having trouble sleeping at night and trouble staying awake during the day.
I’m stressed – I have a lot of work on, and I don’t think it bodes well for my mental health.
I’m seeing my psychologist tomorrow and my psychiatrist the day after to see what, if anything, can be done. I had a training session today and the trainer took me aside and told me to go home because I was “so obviously struggling”. I was eating lollies to try and keep awake and I actually fell asleep in the middle of eating a fantale and woke up choking! It was absolute bliss to come home and sleep for six hours. And it’s only four hours later and I’m exhausted again.
So off to bed for me.

The wonders of modern medicine

I’ve had a rough week. Flashback last Tuesday, zombie on Wednesday, due to taking Seroquel with Zeldox (slept most of the day). Police statement on Thursday morning, followed by thorough compartmentalising into a box in my brain that said “Don’t open” Thursday due to running an all day training session. Friday, compartmentalisation held, as it did Saturday – because I was away at a conference.

Saturday night I talked about it to a friend, and guess what? Had a nightmare. Sunday I was so tired I just slept and slept. Sunday night I had another horrific nightmare – this time that I was at my childhood home, waiting for my step-father to come home and pummel me. He used to do that quite often. I was terrified – I had forgotten how much of my life I lived in fear.

Monday I talked to my psychiatrist and she put me back on Dexamethasone. Monday I was hyperactive, but working from home, so was at least not appearing crazy to my workmates and also managing to get a lot of work done.

Monday night I couldn’t sleep – which is a peculiar effect of the Dexamethasone. Tuesday (2nd day of Dexamethasone) I went to work and I was tired. So I had a Berocca and then I had a coffee and all of a sudden I was hyper hyper-active girl. I had a meeting with a client and I was buzzing. I probably appeared high. My work colleague even took me up on it as soon as the meeting was finished.

So must remember to work from home when on the first and second day of Dexamethasone.

Tuesday night I took a double dose of sleeping tablets and slept six hours straight – waking refreshed for the first time in a week. Yesterday I even did a bit of exercise. I managed to control myself at work, but I was still pretty hyper.

Last night I was exhausted from all the previous sleep deprivation, so I went to bed at 9pm and woke every hour until 1am, when I couldn’t get back to sleep. I took another dose of my sleeping tablet but it made no difference and I lay on the couch watching ‘Good Morning America’ until 4am. Then I slept until 6.30am and got up to go to work – where I am an hour and a half early. I just don’t want to be in my house any more. I don’t want to be in my bedroom any more. I want out.

My house is a mess – I haven’t done any dishes or shopping since my flashback. I was going to spend this afternoon tidying up, but I don’t know if I have the energy. Maybe I should just sleep. But I don’t want to be there.

I felt a little like this last time I took the Dexamethasone. It goes away with time. I just need to give it time.

Five days and counting

Apologies for my reticence the last few days. I have been concentrating on coping, which, seeing as it’s only been five days since the flashback, has sometimes been difficult.

I went to see my psychologist and we talked about the incident and the entire memory came back, including a second memory in a similar vein. I called the police that are investigating the case and they asked me to make another statement at the SOCAU unit. I did that on Thursday and proceeded to spend the rest of the day (successfully) not thinking about it. Friday I was antsy at work, but if that’s the worst of the consequences of the flashback then I can accept that.

I talked to a friend about it on Saturday night and had nightmareas as a result. However, I did realise that I felt less of a need to convince her that this actually happened – I have always had difficulty believing in memories that “come back” as opposed to memories I’ve always had. For example, I have always remembered my step-father’s physical abuse, including strangulation, but I managed for many years to successfully repress the sexual abuse.

I ate a lot of ice cream on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday night. I ate a lot of chocolate over the weekend. But every day I am feeling a little better. I just need to keep getting up each day until it all begins to recede.

w00t!

In geek terms that means woo hoo!

First comment and I’ve been live less than a week! WordPress thought it was spam but I knew better. Check out my commenter: she’s on her own weight loss journey – http://hungryheartlapband.blogspot.com. God knows how she found me so fast. I can’t even find this site sometimes and then I realise, oh “weight outrage” – “weightrage”. Made sense to me at the time.

I went to a new GP (doctor) today. It took 39 minutes to take down my physical and mental health history. We didn’t have time for physical ailments like knee pain, one leg shorter than the other (broke my leg through the ankle growth plate when I was eleven) and sprained ankles.

She didn’t say it, but a lot of my ailments would go away if I lost weight. Like hyperinsulineamia (pre-diabetes), high blood pressure, sleep apnea, asthma…. Even my Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome would recede somewhat if I lost weight. But she didn’t say it. That’s why she’s my GP.

Too often I have gone into a doctor’s surgery for a sprained ankle (it happens a lot), migraine, a cold or blood tests, to be told that I “need to lose weight”. Hmmm. Interesting. Really? I thought, in this ruthless society that abhors fat and celebrates the thin that I fell into the latter category, despite the comments I get from strangers walking down the street to the contrary, despite what it says on the scales and despite the fact that I can’t buy a single piece of clothing at the ‘trendy’ stores. I’m so glad you brought it to my attention. I will just put my sprained ankle/ migraine/ cold/ blood test on hold and get right on it.

Yes if I lost weight my health would be better. You know if smokers stopped smoking their health would be better too. If people exercised every day their health would be better too. If we didn’t eat junk food our health would be better too. If we didn’t live in such a sedentary society our health would be better too.

I know I need to lose weight. I’ve known it all my life. Even when I was a kid and I wasn’t overweight I had been convinced by my ‘peers’ or my ‘parents’ that I had to lose weight. I try to lose weight. I figured it out recently – I have lost over 100 kilos of weight (I’ve just always later put it back on). I am very good at losing weight. I’ve had a lot more experience than most people.

So back the hell off.