Yesterday I caught up with an old friend. He freelances and he’s a week behind his work because he was sick over the weekend. And you know what I realised? I was sick over the weekend too. It may “just” have been my post traumatic stress disorder, but it laid me as flat on my back as any flu would. I’d prefer the flu actually. Most of the time you don’t think you’re going to die from the flu.

I think I could deal with the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder more easily if they didn’t come coupled with suicidal ideation (that’s a fancy way of saying fantasising about suicide). Because when you start fantasising about suicide then it’s much more likely you’ll commit suicide. And I have poor impulse control at the best of times!

Getting out of the depressive part of PTSD is also a very dangerous time. Often people who are depressed become numb and emotionless. Anti-depressants bring back some of that feeling and suddenly they are overwhelmingly depressed. That’s when they think suicide is a good idea – to escape the pain. Often people don’t commit suicide when they are numb because they cannot be bothered.

What concerns me is still the quickness of my depression. Was it caused by coming home from Dad’s? Was it caused by being alone? Well if that is what happens when I have a few days alone then I think I better be around people ALL the time.

I’m in Sydney, sitting in a pub, writing my blog, waiting for a friend to meet me for drinks. I ran a workshop this morning – it went well. I did some retail therapy this afternoon. I am less stressed about work (I got a lot done yesterday). I’m feeling normal again, but the thing to remember is that this is not normal – I am in a hotel room in another state. How will I be when I go home?

I am afraid of the answer to that question.