Things are getting worse
May 9, 2010
I’ve been working like mad lately. It’s how I keep the feelings at bay. Yesterday I stayed in bed. I thought maybe giving in would be better for me. It wasn’t.
Eventually I dragged myself out of bed to go see a movie with a friend of mine. He’s been really supportive lately. He’s listened to me a lot, and he has depression too so he understands. Where others say, “just snap out of it”, he says “it won’t last forever.”
Yesterday he was trying to pay me a compliment. He was thanking me for bringing him out of his shell and socialising. I joked that the last couple of months it has all been about me though and he said “Oh yeah, I know I’m being used.”
Being used. I can’t believe that’s how he feels. And he’s not the first of my friends to say that. I was suicidal. In fact, after that conversation, I became suicidal again. I cried myself to sleep last night thinking of leaving my pets behind and how I could organise it so none of my friends would find my body, and then I thought about how none of my friends would even notice. After all, they all need a break from being “used”.
