Sorry for the silence
April 12, 2010
My step-mother got really sick last year and I to0k a couple of months off to take care of her. It kind of put everything else in my life on hold, but of course now “everything” is back with a vengeance.
You know I had almost convinced myself that “everything” was over.
But it’s not over. It never will be over. And so I make this promise to any readers that I have left: this blog will exist as long as I do, because that is how long the abuse will affect me. There may be months and years when I don’t post, but I have finally come to realise that my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder isn’t going anywhere, and neither is this blog.
I’ve just been through a PTSD relapse. I cannot describe how painful it was. Within days I was suicidal. I couldn’t sleep. When I did sleep I would have nightmares. Nightmares that I was physically trying to escape from my step-father and the standard nightmare of being stuck living with my mother and step-father.
What scared me the most about this relapse is that it didn’t respond to Dexamethasone – it always has before. This time around it was switching to Seroquel that finally put me to sleep (for two days) and snapped me out of it.
However I have realised that I am always going to be vulnerable in this area. I will always have a wound, and it is easily re-opened. And my step-father is living his nice middle-class life with his wife and two children that love him. There are no consequences for him. Sure he had to talk to the police twice (once twenty years ago and again in 2009) about the abuse, but that’s not justice for the crimes he has perpetrated.
I also live a nice middle-class life, albeit with this blackness that occasionally overwhelms me. I can fight. I have the brains, the skills, the contacts and the money to fight. So I am reneging on my decision not to file a civil suit.
I feel better when I am fighting.
